Out of the Frying Pan and into the Fire

The last week has been quite an interesting one in my home. My husband, who was so supportive during my investigation of the church, has become unsupportive. Every chance he gets, he makes a little dig at me about the church. This is a man who was raised LDS and fell away from it when he was a teenager. I understand that these feelings are based on his experience, but I didn’t realize how deep his anger towards the church went.

He makes cracks if I go to the church to help. He makes cracks when he sees me reading scripture. He makes cracks if I only go to sacrament and not the full three hours. I understand that because I am the one he is with every day that it is easy for him to direct that anger towards me. But how do two people with different beliefs get past the differences and find common ground?

Part of the problem is we are broke. In our entire relationship, we have never been as poor as we are now. I won’t lie, money and I do not get along. Growing up, I was never taught to budget or to save my money. When I am upset, hurt, or depressed, a little retail therapy always helps. That being said, budgeting is something neither of us has done. While he was on the road the money came flowing in and we didn’t have to budget, we were always okay and we always had a cushion. Now, that cushion is completely deflated with a big gaping hole in its side. I have cut back everything that we can. I have removed all the unnecessary expenditures. I found a less expensive internet service so that my children can still do their school work. I have dumped everything from our phone plan that I possibly could. I have a Toyota Prius, so as far as petrol, I only have to fill the tank once every two to three weeks depending on how much I have been driving. I’m in the “process” of quitting smoking not only for my health, but to save money as well. I say “process” because it is freaking hard.

I see all these sacrifices I have made but the husband hasn’t made one. He said last night regarding the two things he spends money on daily, “If I don’t get these things it should be because I have chosen not to. Not because we are so broke I can’t afford them.” He’s right, he shouldn’t have to because we are financially strapped. We have a mountain of debt from medical bills when we weren’t insured. Recently, a garnishment was levied due to one of those bills. In his eyes, this is all my fault and he is paying for my mistake. In a way, he’s right. But he doesn’t see any money, from either one of us as ours. It’s his and mine. I pay the bills and he, well, he has his money. It’s funny, as I sit here and write this down, I realize that I am always putting myself in his place to try and understand where he is coming from. Not once however, has he done the same.

I don’t know what is going to happen. We only have a roof over our heads due to the Grace of God. Food in our bellies thanks to the Bishop and the Ward. I don’t know what the future holds or how all of this will turn out. But I know Heavenly Father is with me and as long as I keep my heart open I will receive the guidance I need. In the past, if these things had happened, because of my faltering faith, I would be cursing the universe. Now, all I feel is peace and know that what is supposed to happen, will happen.

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Changes

  
Tomorrow is a big day. I have to finish cleaning my home, the sisters are coming over to spend some time just hanging out. Then family will start to arrive. I have to braid my hair and pack a small bag with my outfit and make up. After that I wait, I wait until it is time to leave for the church. I will be baptized. I will accept God as the creator and Jesus Christ as his son, redeemer and savior of the earth. I make this promises in the same church where we had my brother-in-laws funeral two years ago. A building that at one time you couldn’t pay me to walk into because of that memory, now brings me comfort and peace. Oh, I know it isn’t the building, just the memory. 

So here I lay awake, watching a movie that the church would not seem appropriate (Expendables 3) and knowing not that God never left my side. He gave us his only begotten son who took all of our sins upon him. I will strive every day to live by Gods commandments and do my best to help bring peace to others. So, tonight I say goodbye to the old me and tomorrow, I will say hello to the “enhanced” me. We are all one people, we are all one family, and we are all one love.